As if Farmville and Mafia Wars weren’t enough to drive you close to the brink of madness, the Facebook community is under siege from the dreaded “status update.” Sure, statuses can be cute, amusing, or even artful—but lately they are beginning to resemble pointless babble that wastes precious seconds of our lives. This article is intended as a public service announcement for the epidemic of self-diluted and revoltingly mind-numbing nonsense that cause us to cringe and shutter in utter disarray on a daily basis.
The Too-Much-Info
“I just ate something off the ground.” “I haven’t showered in three days!” “I have Chlamydia!” Really? You do realize updates are public right? There’s no limit to what these attention mongers will scrap up and broadcast unsolicited to your Newsfeed. Do us all a favor and spare us from your sex lives, hygiene, and embarrassing habits.
The Chronic Updater
“I’m bored.” “I’m eating an apple.” “I’m doing homework.” No way! Fascinating. No moment is too dull to tell all 823 of your Facebook friends about the riveting day you lead. Unless your day is epic, such as battling off a liger while juggling chainsaws or somehow relevent to our daily lives, we don’t care.
The Texter
“OMG!!! i totes ridic <3 ur bff Rose LOL!! ROFL!!! brb tty1!” Unless you are, in fact, a prepubescent tween obsessed with Edward Cullen—please spare us the 12-year-old texting lingo and stop butchering the English language.
The One Word Wonder
“Lauren is tired.” “Ethan is excited.” “Cindy is constipated.” “Helen is hormonal.” These one word updates are worthless to the point of exacerbating pain. They are completely unnecessary and their only purpose seems to dictate that you are indeed still alive.
The Mousetrap
“I don’t want to talk about it.” “Finally done with that!” “I can’t believe this is happening to me.” These passive-aggressive updaters are placing the cheese on the mousetrap just waiting for you to scamper along for a nibble. Legitimate bad news is one thing, but these manipulative updates are just cries for attention.
The Bad Speller
“im not sur wat hapend last nite but i had a amazin time!!!” Really? At least pretend that you are in college or change your network so we’re not associated with you. I know grammar rules are slightly different online and we all make mistakes, but seriously, you look like an idiot.
The Lyrist
“That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio and the Jay-Z song was on…” Wow. Thank you for getting another insufferably, obnoxious song stuck in my head (ironically, you now have it stuck in your head). Song lyrics that accurately reflect your mood are okay…occasionally. But I don’t need to know the entire lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believing” to understand that you have nothing better to do with your spare time.
The Ego
“I just got an A on my 10 point D2L quiz!” “I have an interview at McDonald’s.” “I finally got rid of my crabs!” (insert sarcastic applause here) Achievements are great to post on your status every once and a while, but when you start posting every insignificant accomplishment, you begin to resemble a shameless self-promoter. Not sure who you are trying to impress, but chances are it’s probably not working.
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